Critical Breaking Point

"the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases"

I know I've been struggling lately, but I wasn't sure what I was struggling with. Last night, I went to informal fellowship since it's exam season and most of it was singing praises and worship songs. To be brutally honest, I didn't enjoy it. In fact, I wanted to get up in the middle and walk out of the room. In my heart, I could only sense myself criticizing the worship leader. I would look around the room at people singing their hearts out and feel utterly compassionless. I didn't even feel sad that I could not worship--I just didn't care. I was driveling in my own bitterness and cynicism.

Near the end, we broke off into partners to pray for one another and I had the chance to share and pray with a sister I very much respect and admire as a woman of God. At that point, I had no idea what was hindering my worship, but she prayed that God would open my eyes to see what I was struggling with. As the night came to a close, I realized that what was blocking me was a critical spirit. I had been shaken.

After finding out the what, I set out to search for the why. Why was I shaken? Why did I allow this critical spirit to enter my heart and mind? The answer I found was this: I had lost my identity as a daughter of Christ. I had released my grasp on His promise to love me unconditionally.

This loss opened my eyes to my own flaws, and the fear of criticism and judgment from others. As a result, I became critical of others as a self-defense mechanism, to protect my own self-esteem. My criticism of others further weakened my own self-image. The more I compared myself with others, the more inadequate I felt.

I need to run back to the Father whose arms are always open for me. The Father who is always there to assure me that He'll be there for me, whenever I'm sad, whenever I'm rejoicing, whenever I am troubled. I need to be reminded consistently of His promises: that I am a daughter of God and my identity in Him is all that truly matters. For when I am confident and loved, only then can I reach out of my shell to love others too.