disconnect

I think that I am a thinker because I cannot feel that I am a feeler.

Even when I'm going through tough emotional times, I try to think my way through it, or out of it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it frustrates me when I would like to think my way out of my feelings and it doesn't work. I can analyze all I want about why I feel sad or why I feel frustrated, but if I don't connect with my feelings, it is so difficult to move beyond my thoughts.

Sometimes being so analytical makes it difficult for me to sympathize. I try to think of the right words to say or the right things to do, but what is right when you can't even feel a hint of what the other person is feeling?

Maybe I'm just sailing through some rough waters right now and feeling like I'll either sink or swim.

I hope . . . that the Joy of the Lord would be my Strength.

Lost and Found

Over these few years, I have lost some particularly valuable items, including a geometric compass my dad had since he was in high school, a 1.0GB photo memory card with photos from my China trip still on it, and a pair of diamond earrings my best friends bought me for my 16th birthday. These are lost items that I do feel badly about, not to mention all the little things that I've misplaced here or there.

Sometimes I find them again, sometimes they're lost forever. But as I was thinking yesterday, I realized that the most important things in life can never be lost - things like family, best friends, love, respect, and hope. These have an infinite value. This thought soothed my troubled heart and I realized I really cannot hold too tightly to my material treasures as they can disappear at any chosen moment.

Yet the joy of finding something that was once lost is such an exciting moment. After a year of "searching" for my lost memory card, I stumbled upon it while packing for my 3rd year of school. And the diamond earrings, I reached into the pocket of my jacket yesterday and my fingers fumbled around some tiny, hard, foreign object. I pulled it out to study, and realized it was the diamond earrings that my best friends had given me 4 years ago! What a surprise for me, as I had lost them in 1st year, worn the same jacket everyday in the fall and spring in 2nd year, and finally came upon them the first day I wore the jacket in 3rd year.

Likewise, what is our faith to us? Do we go through periods of lost and found in our joy in God? And perhaps this immense joy of finding something valuable that was lost, is but a fraction of the joy God has when His lost child turns back to Him. What can I do to make God happy?

*dear best friends, i am sorry for not letting you know about the loss earlier. the guilt overwhelmed me.

Sabbath-Rest

Hebrews 4

A Sabbath-Rest for the People of God

1Therefore, since the promise of entering his
rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen
short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as
they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who
heard did not combine it with faith. [a] 3Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said, "So I declared on oath in my anger,
'They shall never enter my rest.' "[ b] And yet his work has been finished since the creation of the world. 4For somewhere he has spoken about the seventh day in these words:
"And on the seventh day God rested from all his work." [c] 5And again in the passage above he says, "They shall never enter my rest." 6It still remains that some will enter that rest, and those who formerly had the gospel preached to them did not go in, because of their disobedience. 7Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
"Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts." [d]
8For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. 9 There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; 10for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. 11Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.

The only resolution I made back at New Year's 2007 was to follow Commandment #4 and "keep the Sabbath day holy." I made some attempts at it during my 2nd year, but it fell apart when I returned to Markham. Now that I'm back at school, I think I'm going to give it another shot. I was really excited when I came across the above passage last night, especially when it came to the point where we are instructed to "make every effort to enter that rest." How easy it is for us to make excuses not to rest on the Sabbath, but in the long run, it only hinders our faith because we grow tired and weary and burn out from ministry and work and school, etc.

I hope to truly take this to heart this year and "keep the Sabbath day holy."

Turning Twenty

Last night was one of the most difficult nights for me. Not because it was my last few moments ever as a teenager, but because I was struggling to stay awake on the bus that was shuttling residents to and from a video dance party. As soon as the bus emptied, the other don and I would try to get some shut-eye before we arrived at the next destination. Despite the utter exhaustion after eight days of don training and two full days of move-in and residence orientation, the other don (also a classmate from highschool) began asking me about turning 20. I felt quite drained since I hadn't had the opportunity to actually think about turning twenty.

Birthdays are some of the things I like to think through and ask myself if I'm ready to grow up another year. Physically, it doesn't make a difference since you've been changing everyday; but psychologically, it's a different mindset to say good-bye to those teenage years and hello to the twenties. As I went to bed last night tired and sniffling with a minor cold, I wondered if it was an omen of what was to come for the next decade: exhaustion and illness.

But September 4th came rushing into my bedroom bright and early on the sharp sunbeams that pierced through my window curtains. My mom called soon after to wish me happy birthday and checking my e-mail showed that my best friend had already sent me a short story she wrote for my birthday. Upon return from the washroom, I noticed a girl from my floor writing on a birthday card taped to my door. What a pleasant surprise!

Walking into the cafeteria with my breakfast tray in hand, some of the dons started singing "Happy Birthday" and soon the rest of the people joined in. It was kinda awkward, but warm at the same time. I could go on about the little special things people did and said all day, but I'll cut to the highlights:

- talking to my mom and hearing about my brother's first day in public school.

- talking to my best friend who helped me see that being twenty probably suits me much better than being a teenager.

- having a few residents produce the cutest and most hilarious gift I've ever received: a T.M.X, which is a tickle-me-elmo that also waves and rolls over.

- hearing my dad's message saying he bought me two mattress pads and hoping that I would enjoy them.

So in summary, it was the first birthday I've ever enjoyed without birthday cake, but there's always other opportunities for cake. It's also been the first birthday I haven't physically been with family, which shows that it's time to grow up. My fellow dons and residents made me feel appreciated, a celebration of being me and turning twenty. Thanks to those who made the day extra special!

1997-2007 was a great decade and I'm really excited for the next decade to come.