Internally Flawless

Taking a break from my studies, I e-stumbled across the website of the world-famous auctioneering company, Christie's . As I e-browsed through the jewellery section of their site, I was impressed by the top sale they made in 2006.

Diamonds continue to lead the international jewellery market, as seen with the exceptional prices achieved at every Christie’s auction worldwide in 2006. The top lot of the year was a D color, internally flawless diamond of 50.53 carats sold for $4,216,000 – just over $83,000 per carat (New York, April 2006).

This was quite the stone--selling for over $4 million at $83,000 per carat! I can't fathom with my limited mind, money being spent like this, but what caught my eye was its description: the diamond was internally flawless.

Most diamonds often have internal scars and markings, the better the diamond, the smaller or less noticeable the mark. As humans, we often carry such scars of past failures, humiliations, struggles, and sins. Like other diamonds, once ingrained, our marks are there forever. But there was such a man who was "internally flawless," and He is Jesus. He lived without sin only to die on a cross covered, enmeshed in all the sins of the world so that He could save us from eternal damnation.

If an internally flawless diamond can cost upwards of $4 million, how much more is Jesus worth? How can we live our lives to proclaim just how much Jesus is worth?

My Shakespeare Statement

When I become an English teacher, I am going to make Shakespeare fun. If we must teach it, we might as well make it educational. When I become a teacher, I want to give marks based on effort. After all, in the real world, effort counts, right?

No, I guess effort isn't enough. I guess it's really the quality of work that matters in the end. If so, I will teach my students to produce quality work. I will guide them through writing those horrid essays so that they have something they can feel accomplished about. I will avoid discouraging them with low marks. I want to make literature meaningful.

I took two English courses this year: one I loved, the other I hated. Why? I really enjoyed Modern British Literature because the professor encouraged us to think. I really hated Shakespeare because the professor forced us to think until we mentally choked. That is the difference. I want to encourage my students to think by providing them with eye-opening pieces of literature; with new and different insights into the ways of looking at things. I want literature to come alive in my class.

Someday... I will stand in front of a classroom, and say, "Welcome to English class. It is going to be the most important class you will ever take in your life. And you will enjoy it."

Stained Glass Windows

After two days since the Virginia Tech massacre, my best friend's blog spurred me on to find out more about what happened. What I found was sad, heart-breaking news. One troubled, young, S. Korean man purchased two guns and killed 32 other students and teachers. As an Asian, I wonder if culture had anything to do with it. Did he not fit in? Was he unable to bridge the gap between his Korean history, upbringing, and culture with his new American education and society? As a psychology major, I wonder if damage to his orbitofrontal cortex decreased his inhibition abilities, or if he had some mental disorder (e.g., depression) that nobody noticed? As an English minor reading his plays and analyzing them, I wonder if he had been the victim of sexual abuse. There is little mention of his family in all the news websites I visited. I want to know more about his past. What led up to this tragedy? As someone preparing to be a leader in residence next year, I wonder, what would I do if I were confronted with this situation? How would I respond? Would I respond to my own instincts--to flee and protect myself? Would my responsibilities overtake those instincts in order to protect those around me? I can't say.

As a Christian, my compassion extends for the grieving families, classmates, faculty, and all the others who have been affected. My prayers are for those who have lost dear siblings, sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, friends, fathers, this list of relationships goes on. Moreover, I mourn for the lost souls--those who had not met Christ as their personal Saviour and Redeemer. No one would have woken up that morning expecting it to be their last day. They were young. They had potential to change the world. But now their futures have been snuffed out like flames on new candlesticks.

As a Christian, what am I doing today for the lost souls still wandering the earth? What if I had the chance to bring God's salvation to somebody, but I missed it? This grim event is a reminder for Christians to shine. We can't be too caught up in our daily habits and rituals to miss out on opportunities to be God's light in this dark world.


As I was reading Letters to Marc About Jesus by Henri Nouwen today, I came across a profound anecdote of Nouwen's eucharist experience in Strasbourg. He writes, "During his sermon, the preacher pointed to that huge round window of stained glass [see below] and said, 'It is a work of art made by human beings. But unless God's sun shines through it we see nothing.'"

I love stained glass windows. Whenever I step into a cathedral and the sunshine pours in through the stained glass, I stand in awe of its beauty. What the preacher said at Strasbourg is simply so accurate. We have a choice. We can lives our lives clouded and murky by our own passions, desires, and upward mobility, or we can live pure, sanctified lives that allow the light of God to shine through. And through these divinely brightened lives, may our testimonies and words continue to reach out to those around us.

To the souls that were lost at Virginia Tech on Monday, rest in peace.

"Give careful thought to your ways"

'Then the word of the Lord came through the prophet Haggai: "Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?"
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.
This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the Lord. "You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" declares the Lord Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house."

-Haggai 1:3-9

As I lay down to sleep last night and began my night-time prayers, I began to thank God for a well-lived day. Suddenly, alarm bells rang off in my mind... I had not lived a well-lived day. I had only expected to. I began to list off the things I had done, studying, cooking, studying, eating, studying, wrote my developmental psych exam half-heartedly, played Tower of Hanoi (www.mazeworks.com/hanoi), studied, went to sleep. What had I done to glorify God? I didn't even commit my studies to him.

When I woke up to read Haggai this morning, I recognized the type of paradigm in the Israelites that I had been struggling with. I had been so concerned with enjoying my own life and finding my own identity, that I had stopped working on the house of God, which I presume now to be his Kingdom. I need to start giving "careful thought to my ways." I don't want to live my life in futility. I want my life to count for something. I want to take part in the building of God's kingdom, and that begins by honestly thanking God each night for a day well-lived.

His instructions to His people were to "build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored." That is how we should live our lives--building His house, building His kingdom so that God can enjoy it and God will be honoured. If we don't, our lives will not yield any thing : "you expect much, but see, it turned out to be little." What are these expectations? To make money? To get good grades? To develop good relationships? To travel? Again, if we are not rooted in Christ, all our attempts to succeed will only fail.

Jesus Take The Wheel

"Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
Give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel"

Critical Breaking Point

"the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases"

I know I've been struggling lately, but I wasn't sure what I was struggling with. Last night, I went to informal fellowship since it's exam season and most of it was singing praises and worship songs. To be brutally honest, I didn't enjoy it. In fact, I wanted to get up in the middle and walk out of the room. In my heart, I could only sense myself criticizing the worship leader. I would look around the room at people singing their hearts out and feel utterly compassionless. I didn't even feel sad that I could not worship--I just didn't care. I was driveling in my own bitterness and cynicism.

Near the end, we broke off into partners to pray for one another and I had the chance to share and pray with a sister I very much respect and admire as a woman of God. At that point, I had no idea what was hindering my worship, but she prayed that God would open my eyes to see what I was struggling with. As the night came to a close, I realized that what was blocking me was a critical spirit. I had been shaken.

After finding out the what, I set out to search for the why. Why was I shaken? Why did I allow this critical spirit to enter my heart and mind? The answer I found was this: I had lost my identity as a daughter of Christ. I had released my grasp on His promise to love me unconditionally.

This loss opened my eyes to my own flaws, and the fear of criticism and judgment from others. As a result, I became critical of others as a self-defense mechanism, to protect my own self-esteem. My criticism of others further weakened my own self-image. The more I compared myself with others, the more inadequate I felt.

I need to run back to the Father whose arms are always open for me. The Father who is always there to assure me that He'll be there for me, whenever I'm sad, whenever I'm rejoicing, whenever I am troubled. I need to be reminded consistently of His promises: that I am a daughter of God and my identity in Him is all that truly matters. For when I am confident and loved, only then can I reach out of my shell to love others too.

Selfish Anger

When God saw what [the Ninevites] did and how they turned from their evil ways, he had compassion and did not bring upon them the destruction he had threatened. But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. He prayed to the Lord, "O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.

Jonah 3:10 - 4:4

On first reading, Jonah's response made me laugh. His theology told him that God would save the sinful, godless Ninevites and he tried to run. But he ran onto a ship that encountered tempestuous winds and storms and was finally thrown overboard expecting death, only to be swallowed by a great fish. After this series of miraculous events, Jonah's anger invokes God's question, "Have you any right to be angry?"

I wonder why Jonah is angry. One reading of the book of Jonah is as a fictional allegory, a story that represents something with deeper meaning. Perhaps Jonah represents the people of God as selfish beings, jealous that God is gracious and compassionate to ALL peoples. I also believe that God can allow a man to be kept alive in the belly of a great fish for three days and three nights. Jonah's example and reaction is very human, but strangely so. Is it possible to have experienced so much and still have enough emotion to be angry at God? Is it possible that Christians have experienced the grace of God and withheld it due to selfishness?

Whatever Jonah's story represents, one thing is clear: If you try to run from God's will, you won't be successful, which reminds me of a cynical quote Fran, Sammi, and I saw the other day. It read, "If you want to make God laugh, just tell Him your plans."

Breaking of the Pride

"The pride of your heart has deceived you,
you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights,
you who say to yourself,
'Who can bring me down to the ground?'
Though you soar like the eagle and make your nest among the stars,
from there I will bring you down,"
declares the Lord.

Obadiah 3-4

Who am I to ever be proud? Who am I to ever say, "Look what I've done!"? I cannot, for it is the Lord who has been working in and through my life. Praise God for His mercy. Praise God for His salvation. He has made the brokenhearted whole and the proud-hearted broken.

To those who live in the clefts of the rocks and have their home on the heights, God loves you. To those who soar like the eagle and make your nest among the stars, God can bring you down for He is just, but His salvation extends also to you.

-Joyce

Motives

My mom has been encouraging me to read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller for the past while. Since I returned home for the weekend and finally had a chance to get my hands on the book, I began reading and came across a poem that succinctly describes some feelings I've had for awhile.

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love--a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

-C.S. Lewis, as quoted in Blue Like Jazz

I believe God has slowly been changing my heart to look out from self-less eyes, but I must always check my motives. Who am I bringing glory to, myself or God? This poem, its message is quite severe. This is not where I want to be, but brokenness begins with acknowledging the sinful, depraved, selfish nature within myself and asking God to free me.

Happy Easter! He is risen indeed!