alone

For the first time in a long time, I'm finally alone. Not just physically alone, but also responsibility alone (i.e., nobody to be responsible for or have to tend to). At my family home, I don't have to stay on my toes and be ready at any moment to be "Available, Visible, and Approachable."

It kind of feels good.

I love being a Don. This year has been so good. I definitely struggled a lot at the very beginning. I was very uncertain about what I should do and if what I was doing was right. I remember being so frustrated and upset, even questioning if this was God's will for me or if I had followed the wrong path. It was a scary time, not knowing if I had made a terrible mistake. Blessedly, I had a few people who continued to encourage me and surely those encouragements have made such a difference in my experience.

After four months, I can probably say each consecutive year of undergrad has topped the previous year. I love West Campus, I love the Don Team, and most of all, I love my Angus girls. There's definitely so much more that I can do, and that I aim to do; but I have been so blessed through these girls. I've learned so much about myself and stretching myself, only to realize that I can stretch even further. And in the times of frustration, there's been incredible support-even from within the house.

I can see God's love working in me. I can feel God's presence and guidance. I know that He is working and that He will continue His good work in the next few months to come.

I'll enjoy my alone time, even if I do miss being AVA for the moment.

construction has finally come to haunt West Campus

no. no. no.

I simply will not allow it.

Construction across from West Campus has begun: at 2:30am in the morning!

If there's nothing that bugs me more, it's being woken up in the middle of the night and kept awake throughout the night. At first, it was just the annoying hum of an engine. By the time of this writing, it has escalated to drilling. I wonder if it's keeping my residents up.

on a more positive note, something that made me smile yesterday was seeing that the union st. and university avenue intersection has finally opened up! i never complained about it, but i'm super glad that it's finally open. it will definitely make life (driving to kccf and humphrey for psych) much easier.

and gah! this drilling just won't stop!

Naturally curious, I went out to investigate. Here are the fruits of my labour:

Apparently, Union St. has been cut off from Sir John A. MacDonald. I guess this means it will only be a temporary construction because it's taking place in the street. If so, I guess I won't be as upset. And I understand, it would be much harder to do this during the day.

Nevertheless, my body is croaking for more sleep and I guess I will find some way to rest up before a long day of report writing dawns.

stubborn revelations

This past weekend was incredible. Going home after two weeks of pure academia was like essence of heaven.

And still, I learned this weekend. I learned about things I had been too stubborn to admit for a long time.

For one, I finally admitted to myself that I love my best friend enough that when she hurts me (even unintentionally), it can make me feel unloved by the entire world. I guess I never knew how deep friendship went. I wouldn't have thought that this connection went so deeply, but I guess it did. At the same time, I guess I wasn't willing to admit that one single person could have such a strong influence on my emotional self. Yet friendships are just like other relationships; the more they matter, the more they affect your life. And in the end, I am more the blessed for being in this friendship after all is said and done.

And secondly, I finally admitted to myself the influence of Across U-hub on my development as a young person. For the longest time, I'd always look to the other aspects of growing up such as lessons, good parents, good teachers, good school, extracurriculars, and never once think about the superfluous-seeming activities I participated in at Across U-hub. The camps were just places to go because Mom and Dad said they were good, and being the obedient daughter, I went. Going to activities just happened because Dad told me to go and would bring me with him. This summer, an internship there just seemed like a convenient way to get a summer job because it seemed to fall into my lap. I think I just took everything for granted.

Well, after preparing for the fundraising dinner and what I would say to encourage people to a) donate money and b) share in the vision of Across U-hub, I realized what a huge impact it has had on my life. Slowly, but surely, these values have taken hold in me and have become a part of my identity. Values such as creative living, dream chasing, passion holding, and so much more I cannot yet express have been instilled into me through the different programs I attended over the years. I'm beginning to see the good that has come out of my time spent at and with Across U-hub and its incredibly amazing people. Now, I'd like to spend more time there by my own accord, and not of my well-meaning parents or other people's expectations of me.

These two revelations have been liberating. As hard as it is to admit to foolishness and narrow-mindedness, understanding that I have been both allows me to embrace an even deeper friendship with my best friend and an even more meaningful relationship with Across U-hub. I feel as though God has ripped blinders off of my heart to reveal what good He has in store for me. And I trust it will only get better.

The Kite Runner

Very rarely does a book capture my heart and imagination so much that I can't put it down even to sleep. So as I pulled out a book to read before falling asleep last night, I was quickly drawn into the story and knew that I would have to stay awake to finish it. It was a struggle--wanting to get through the story quickly so I could know what happened and go to bed, yet also wanting to savour Khaled Hosseini's simple, but profound diction and plot line. He really grasped the English language, and was successful at manipulating words to speak mountains of meaning.

At a few points, the story drew tears from my eyes when the main character would experience deep regret, or grief, or loss. It was a story about childhood friendship, kinship, and misunderstandings made to be understood. The character went from being weak and defeatable to strong and courageous. And it was knowledge that gave him courage: Knowledge of the truth and of the past. Following his journey throughout the years and through the places, Kabul, Afghanistan, to Fremont, California, and back to Pakistan and Kabul before finally going to the United States, I realized how privileged I am to be raised in a country that is at peace.

Sometimes I wonder if we find it hard to understand what real peace is because we have never experienced war. At times I think I have grasped at it, but what does it really mean to know the peace the passeth all understanding?

Reading this book has changed my life. It is one that will keep me thinking for a while longer.

p.s. In Grade 3, I never would have imagined writing book reports for pleasure. And whilst this is one that could be much improved, I finally understand why we learned to write book reports back in third grade--it helps us understand the writing and the author and his motivations. Most importantly, it allows books to change our lives.

Remembrance Day

I never understood Remembrance Day fully. I knew there were men and women who had bravely fought for our country--many who had sacrificed their lives on earth, but for those remaining, their personalities due to post-traumatic stress disorders and their healthy, functional bodies. I always held respect for them, but it never touched me deeply. After all, I was only an immigrant, one who had come to Canada because it was already free.

This summer, I did a lot of research on Chinese Canadian history and discovered that the Chinese who fought in World War II, for a country that hardly accepted them and did not allow them to vote or become citizens, opened up the ground for Chinese people to be considered citizens. Within Chinese communities in Canada, the debate of whether to fight or not was hotly contested. On one side, there were those who claimed that since Canada did not accept them as citizens, why should they fight for this country? The other side answered, "If we do not fight, then we will never be accepted as Canadians."

For the Chinese Canadians who entered the war to give future Chinese Canadians a voice and the right to vote, I thank you for your sacrifices. May your memories be honoured and your courage never forgotten in the hearts of today's Chinese Canadians.

Baking Woes

I always seem to botch my baking in residence. The first time I baked for my Angus girls, my cookies were hard-as-rock because I didn't realize that the oven was 25-50 degrees hotter than marked and half of my cake came out of the pan because it wasn't greased well-enough. The second time I baked a cake with a silicone pan (that I specifically asked my mom to bring up for me) because I knew the cake would definitely come out of the pan. But this time, I totally forgot to grease it at all--therefore only half of my cake came out again. Today as I was baking for "Desserts with the Don," I was putting the biscotti back in the oven again after cutting it and I didn't put it in far enough before letting go. So in the presence of two residents who had stopped to say hi, the entire tray of half-baked biscotti flipped and all my biscotti ended up at the bottom of the oven. It was a dark moment, but my residents figured the oven was clean so we picked up the pieces, put it back on the baking sheet and continued baking it. And it turned out just fine!

P.S. My apple pie I also baked today turned out to be perfect, but maybe that's because I couldn't taste it due to a stuffy nose. Here's my not-so-secret recipe: The Perfect Apple Pie

Vacation

I'm going to Florida for Christmas break!!!

I'm so excited!

Mickey Mouse... here I come!

disconnect

I think that I am a thinker because I cannot feel that I am a feeler.

Even when I'm going through tough emotional times, I try to think my way through it, or out of it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it frustrates me when I would like to think my way out of my feelings and it doesn't work. I can analyze all I want about why I feel sad or why I feel frustrated, but if I don't connect with my feelings, it is so difficult to move beyond my thoughts.

Sometimes being so analytical makes it difficult for me to sympathize. I try to think of the right words to say or the right things to do, but what is right when you can't even feel a hint of what the other person is feeling?

Maybe I'm just sailing through some rough waters right now and feeling like I'll either sink or swim.

I hope . . . that the Joy of the Lord would be my Strength.

Lost and Found

Over these few years, I have lost some particularly valuable items, including a geometric compass my dad had since he was in high school, a 1.0GB photo memory card with photos from my China trip still on it, and a pair of diamond earrings my best friends bought me for my 16th birthday. These are lost items that I do feel badly about, not to mention all the little things that I've misplaced here or there.

Sometimes I find them again, sometimes they're lost forever. But as I was thinking yesterday, I realized that the most important things in life can never be lost - things like family, best friends, love, respect, and hope. These have an infinite value. This thought soothed my troubled heart and I realized I really cannot hold too tightly to my material treasures as they can disappear at any chosen moment.

Yet the joy of finding something that was once lost is such an exciting moment. After a year of "searching" for my lost memory card, I stumbled upon it while packing for my 3rd year of school. And the diamond earrings, I reached into the pocket of my jacket yesterday and my fingers fumbled around some tiny, hard, foreign object. I pulled it out to study, and realized it was the diamond earrings that my best friends had given me 4 years ago! What a surprise for me, as I had lost them in 1st year, worn the same jacket everyday in the fall and spring in 2nd year, and finally came upon them the first day I wore the jacket in 3rd year.

Likewise, what is our faith to us? Do we go through periods of lost and found in our joy in God? And perhaps this immense joy of finding something valuable that was lost, is but a fraction of the joy God has when His lost child turns back to Him. What can I do to make God happy?

*dear best friends, i am sorry for not letting you know about the loss earlier. the guilt overwhelmed me.

Sabbath-Rest

Hebrews 4

A Sabbath-Rest for the People of God

1Therefore, since the promise of entering his
rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen
short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as
they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who
heard did not combine it with faith. [a] 3Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said, "So I declared on oath in my anger,
'They shall never enter my rest.' "[ b] And yet his work has been finished since the creation of the world. 4For somewhere he has spoken about the seventh day in these words:
"And on the seventh day God rested from all his work." [c] 5And again in the passage above he says, "They shall never enter my rest." 6It still remains that some will enter that rest, and those who formerly had the gospel preached to them did not go in, because of their disobedience. 7Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:
"Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts." [d]
8For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. 9 There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; 10for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. 11Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.

The only resolution I made back at New Year's 2007 was to follow Commandment #4 and "keep the Sabbath day holy." I made some attempts at it during my 2nd year, but it fell apart when I returned to Markham. Now that I'm back at school, I think I'm going to give it another shot. I was really excited when I came across the above passage last night, especially when it came to the point where we are instructed to "make every effort to enter that rest." How easy it is for us to make excuses not to rest on the Sabbath, but in the long run, it only hinders our faith because we grow tired and weary and burn out from ministry and work and school, etc.

I hope to truly take this to heart this year and "keep the Sabbath day holy."

Turning Twenty

Last night was one of the most difficult nights for me. Not because it was my last few moments ever as a teenager, but because I was struggling to stay awake on the bus that was shuttling residents to and from a video dance party. As soon as the bus emptied, the other don and I would try to get some shut-eye before we arrived at the next destination. Despite the utter exhaustion after eight days of don training and two full days of move-in and residence orientation, the other don (also a classmate from highschool) began asking me about turning 20. I felt quite drained since I hadn't had the opportunity to actually think about turning twenty.

Birthdays are some of the things I like to think through and ask myself if I'm ready to grow up another year. Physically, it doesn't make a difference since you've been changing everyday; but psychologically, it's a different mindset to say good-bye to those teenage years and hello to the twenties. As I went to bed last night tired and sniffling with a minor cold, I wondered if it was an omen of what was to come for the next decade: exhaustion and illness.

But September 4th came rushing into my bedroom bright and early on the sharp sunbeams that pierced through my window curtains. My mom called soon after to wish me happy birthday and checking my e-mail showed that my best friend had already sent me a short story she wrote for my birthday. Upon return from the washroom, I noticed a girl from my floor writing on a birthday card taped to my door. What a pleasant surprise!

Walking into the cafeteria with my breakfast tray in hand, some of the dons started singing "Happy Birthday" and soon the rest of the people joined in. It was kinda awkward, but warm at the same time. I could go on about the little special things people did and said all day, but I'll cut to the highlights:

- talking to my mom and hearing about my brother's first day in public school.

- talking to my best friend who helped me see that being twenty probably suits me much better than being a teenager.

- having a few residents produce the cutest and most hilarious gift I've ever received: a T.M.X, which is a tickle-me-elmo that also waves and rolls over.

- hearing my dad's message saying he bought me two mattress pads and hoping that I would enjoy them.

So in summary, it was the first birthday I've ever enjoyed without birthday cake, but there's always other opportunities for cake. It's also been the first birthday I haven't physically been with family, which shows that it's time to grow up. My fellow dons and residents made me feel appreciated, a celebration of being me and turning twenty. Thanks to those who made the day extra special!

1997-2007 was a great decade and I'm really excited for the next decade to come.

Don Training

Perhaps the most intense week I've ever experienced, don training has been really educational and inspiring. It's helped me bond with my house team of fellow dons and council members and I'm learning from different characters whom I would not have met otherwise.

Yesterday, we woke up early to go to Camp Kennebec. It was a long day of fun and relaxation. Jaclyn and I canoed out to the middle of lake, not really going anywhere, but just feeling the peace and bright, bright sunshine. It was so peaceful, like a moment of respite in a long, arduous journey to reach the day our residents arrive! That day is like a bright end of a tunnel. You don't know where you'll find yourself when you exit the tunnel, but you know that it is bright and therefore you anticipate that moment to come.

During our dialogue book conversation (where a conversation between two people who have met recently but are comfortable with each other go through a book of personal questions that reveal more about the other person's personality and character), we discussed something along the lines of, "The more education we have, the deeper we can go to help people." Going along with my "deeper" theme, I need to start preparing myself to be a university student once more.
If we want to help people in deeper and more meaningful ways, it would be good to have a deeper knowledge and wisdom about our world.

Now, I must think of a floor theme.

West Campus: Closer to the prison than your classes

After a long, lone, expensive* road trip up to Kingston, I have moved everything and settled quite nicely into my new room on West Campus. This must be the smallest room I have ever lived in, but the storage space is incredible and the room is now livable.

The few days before my drive, I was feeling sad and unwilling to leave Markham, which had once again become a dear home. Yet now that I am here, I am feeling like Kingston is quickly turning into home again. As I drove downtown Kingston in search of a gas station (the only one I remember ever seeing in my days as a pedestrian student), I noticed the incredible night life of Kingstonians. Behind City Hall, a huge silver screen was set up and a lot of people were on portable chairs and bleachers watching a movie. The streets were quite crowded with people and the pubs were fuller than I expected. This was a side of Kingston I hadn't known in my previous two years. I really should check it out some more with my friends this year. It's hard to believe I'm already entering my middle year. I love this place and know that time will zoom by too quickly.

Something I noticed today: people actually drive at the speed limit in Kingston. I was impressed. Perhaps my driving habits shall conform to the other drivers of this quaint city.

*I was caught speeding in a construction zone and must pay a hefty fee of $283. Remember friends, when driving in a construction zone, the speed limit is only 80 km/h. If I remember correctly, if you're speeding in a construction zone with workers present in America, your punishment is some jail time. Fortunately, I'm in Canada.

Farewells to the Familiar and Diving for the Deep

Summer is quickly coming to a close and in four days I'll be driving back to Queen's on my own for the very first time. As difficult as adjusting to home was, it'll be just as hard saying good-bye. I've treasured the fleeting four months I've spent at home, not knowing when I'll have a chance to spend such a prolonged period of time in my hometown again. Meeting up with friends, best friends, and new friends has been so special. Spending time with family has been a priority, knowing that my brother is going to go through some huge changes throughout his teenage years without me has made me long to stay home more. I'll even miss starting my mornings at the YMCA and hanging out at Across U-hub.

Nevertheless, I know God has so much waiting for me back in Kingston. I've learned and grown so much in my first two years and I know this year will not be different. Starting with an intense week of don training and then meeting the residents whom I'll make a temporary home in residence with, I think there's a lot of unexpected surprises in store for the next eight months.

Lastly, there's a quotation that I found especially meaningful in our church bulletin today by one of my favourite authors.

"Superficiality is the curse of our age... the desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."
- Richard Foster

It brought me back to the realization that studying hard is not only to get good grades and become intelligent, but to make me a deeper person who has a greater understanding of the world and people around me. This year, I hope to work harder and really know my material deeply. I aim to build deep relationships with the people I encounter. I strive to discipline my body in deeper ways. But mostly, I hope to dive deeper into God's over-flowing well of love and grace.

Toronto friends: farewell and see you soon!
Kingston friends: here I come!!!

Congrats Jerry!

Congratulations to my little brother, who graduated from elementary school last Thursday!

We knew you'd make it, despite all the difficulties and trials we experienced the past few years. You're awesome and I am proud of you. We love you!

watching the sunrise

Those that know me well know that I value my sleep very, very much. I will never stay up late working on assignments or studying and insufficient sleep makes me very grumpy. But my daily schedule has been overly hectic with work from 10-5 each weekday and loads of stuff to do in the evenings and weekends. So on Friday night (early Saturday morning), I finally had a chance to sit in bed and read an autobiography about Dorothy Sun, a Chinese Christian who survived the Japanese invasion and Cultural Revolution without denying her faith. Her story was gripping and I kept reading and reading. By the time I finished, it was ten to 5am. As I lay my head down to sleep, I noticed blue emanating from behind my vertical blinds. Curious, I jumped out of bed to reveal this from behind the curtain:

I stood in awe. It must've been the most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen. I ended up sitting in my window (it opens up and is missing its screen) for the next 4o minutes, watching God's paintbrush slowly pull up more pinks and more blues and more lavenders. It was peaceful and quiet, and in that moment, I found rest.

I've been searching lately for what God wants for my life. I'm contentedly at a point where I don't have a specific goal, but whatever flows by my riverbank, I'll take. But reading Dorothy's testimony brought me back to realize my passion for the Chinese people. I care deeply about who my fellow yellows were, are, and will be. I'm glad my job at Across U-hub allows me to serve Chinese people.

As I look back at these photos, I realize how beautiful the sunrise was. For the past 19 years of my life, how many stunning sunrises have I slept through? How many blessings of God have I missed? oh, how I wish I could capture them back, but what I can only do now is to stop the next ones from rising away...

a Beautiful promise

"Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him."

2 Samuel 14:14

I finished reading 2 Samuel this morning and reading it this time around, this verse pleasantly surprised me. It takes on the message of the New Testament where God has already given us life, eternal life, and though we were banished because of our sin, we are now accepted as His beloved children.

Sometimes I take on the burden of trying to change a non-believer's heart or mind; but I forget God's sovereignty and the plan He has for each person. It is so beautiful to know that HE devises ways so that we do not remain estranged. It is so beautiful to know that there is hope where we think hopeless. And it is beautiful to know that we might be a part of the "way" to lead someone to Jesus, but that's all we can do. God is ultimately in control and our prayers must fall in line with His wise and discerning ways in order to see success.

My favourite photo from City Mosaic 2007. Team Mango #27!!

Calm between the Storms

This past week has been memorable and I'm slightly sad to see it almost over. This post is very journal-like--it's a record of how I passed the days of my week of freedom. (That is, freedom from work and school)

Monday was my last day of practicum and though it was hard to say good-bye, I now feel free from the constraints of an early morning and scheduled class times.

Tuesday was an impromptu date with Amanda, where we studied (a little), visited Edward's Garden and took timer photos of ourselves (btw, who is Edward and why does he have a garden named after him?), visited our old high school and some of our teachers, ate at the Fairview Food Court and looked at too many pairs of shoes.

Tuesday evening was our Summer CCF Planning meeting. I am really thankful for the people I'm serving with this summer.

I have been asking God to convict my heart after I quickly slid into apathy after returning home, so Wednesday was especially exciting. Grace and I met up downtown to visit some potential places for Summer CCF outreach, but we were very pleased with what was offered at Sanctuary. We're looking at a Group Education program where we can do outreach with the homeless and poor. Our meeting with Alan B was a little over an hour, but just hearing what he had to say about the ministry and our hearts was inspirational. Another thing we learned: For the past few summers, the CCF outreach ministry has been to volunteer at a soup kitchen downtown. When we mentioned it to Alan B, he told us that the specific soup kitchen we had mentioned was closing down by the end of June. It is by God's grace that we have found another suitable place to learn and serve.

Wednesday evening, my mom took me, my brother and my grandparents out to Pizza Hut, one of their favourite restaurants. I wish I could spend more time with them. They will be heading back to Taiwan in September and I really don't know when they'll be coming back to Toronto. The tension is pretty tight between my mom and her parents and I can still feel a lot of hostility between them. It makes me sad, but it's not my place to comment.

One of the reasons I stayed home this summer was so that I could spend more time with my grandparents, but I've hardly been able to. I need to make the effort to go where they are; they're so excited whenever I do.

Thursday began like a lazy day. I subwayed down with my mom early in the morning to find a place to sit and read. I ended up on the U of T Campus in one of the little pockets of beauty and solitude that spot the campus. I found a little courtyard within the Trinity College campus and sat on one of four benches smoothed out by the wind and rain. It was a point of peace, a place of quiet to enjoy the day before it became utterly smoggy. The air was warm and the sun was slow. I was reluctant to leave, but did as people began passing through the area. It was mine for the moment, but the moment had passed and so I left.

I trekked through the shops of Bloor and realized I was bored. It was my third day out shopping and nothing was really new anymore. Lunch at Spring Rolls with my mom was fun though. We love Tom Yum Soup. Yum yum.

I met up with my best friends in the afternoon and had an adventure looking for St. Louis restaurant. The wings and fries were tasty, but we felt like we were getting crowded out as a lot of business people were giving a going-away party for a colleague. We hiked to Kimmy's new pad and enjoyed her artwork. I'm excited to see her art exhibit.

Thursday evening I had an Admin meeting at Across. I guess I'm officially a volunteer? After the meeting, I joined a talk that was happening outside. An award-winning film producer/director was visiting from Hong Kong. His specialty was educational entertainment, a.k.a. "edutainment". He tried teaching us how to "read media" and understand it. Admittedly, I am very media unconscious. I don't watch many movies or tv. I don't listen to music apart from the Classical radio station. I hardly read the news unless I get my hands on a newspaper, which is quite rare. All in all, I consider myself very media illiterate. Perhaps I know there's a lot of junk out there that I don't want to wade through in order to find the gems. More and more am I beginning to see the value of media this summer. It even began in the classroom with Rob. He was a media/communications major and sitting through his Drama classes have pointed out that media is a channel of communication. There are hard stories to be told, values to be professed, virtues to be developed. I love art, I really do. But I've only learned to appreciate art from the past. I think it's time to focus on what's being created NOW.


Work begins next week and once again, I will be consigned to a schedule... but it does allow me to sleep in. Work starts at 10 am!

P.S. I will work on shortening these uber-long posts.
P.P.S. For those who I haven't told yet, I will be donning at the all-girls res on West Campus next year.

Student-Teaching @ Bethune

After 15 days (-1 sick day), 1 field trip (Healthy Schools Development Conference), 2 associate teachers (Mr. Scott & Ms. Villamin), 1 amazing English department, 6 classes (mixture of English and Drama, + a visit to Phys. Ed.), and a lot of Bethunian students (most of them Chinese), I have successfully completed my second practicum for my B.Ed.

I had a really good experience this time around, mainly because I was given work and got along with my associate teachers. It was different being in a public school since I grew up in a private, Christian school, but not different as I had thought. The students were so well-behaved and respectful. They listened in classes and never talked back. They were friendly and accepting and all things good. According to some teachers at Bethune, it's a good place to retire. What's lacking might be just a little bad to spice things up. I had a lot of opportunities to reflect about the teaching career, especially all those hours spent sitting in the back "observing."

Before I begin, I would love to introduce the classes I hung out with for the past 3 weeks:

1) Ms. Villamin's Period 5 Grade 11 English class
(good luck on your soliloquy presentations!) 2) Mr. Scott's Period 3 Grade 12 English class
(hopefully you got something out of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. i'm still trying to figure it out.)

3) Ms. Villamin's Period 1/2 Grade 9 English class

(great job on your biovisuals!)

4) Ms. Villamin's Period 5 Grade 9 English class

(lots of enthusiasm and eager volunteers!)

5) Mr. Scott's Period 3 Grade 11 Drama class

(i wish i could watch your final projects, they're going to be amazing!)

(watching drama presentations in the wonderfully safe drama room/best place to be in case of a school lockdown/note the poor baby on the floor)

6) Mr. Scott's Period 1/2 Grade 9 Drama students

(yes, i was quite shocked at how the baby was treated/they still split the class into a boys' side and a girls' side :) )

On my second last day, I took some time to journal during my prep period. This is what I wrote:

I will miss the students at Bethune. I will miss the teachers, especially those in the English Department.
I'm glad to have visited the various classrooms as I have in these past 3 weeks.
I've learned a lot more about school life as a teacher and what goes on behind
closed doors. I've seen how good students in a school can be--honest, honourable, kind to others, friendly. I've thought about how terrible marking can be and what the real goal of teaching is. From Mr. Ossea, I've learned teaching is about influence (even if it's cynically provided; his last words to me: May your lungs be inhabited by the dust of chalkboards). From Heather Fearon, I've learned teaching is about life. Teaching encompasses so many things! From Abbie, I've seen that teaching is about
developing character. From Rob, I've seen that teaching is about getting kids to
communicate and think. From Mrs. Ireland, I've seen the importance of being organized and stying on track with work.

Some students have needed my help; others haven't.
That's what being a student-teacher is about. You are a student at teaching. But it goes further than that. You also learn what it means to be a student--a student of life. All these observations make me shut up and see what's going on around me;
that each individual has a life, that each individual has a story. I'll never know everybody's story, but I can be a part of it (however small) and they can be a part of mine. I will soon be forgotten here, possibly even before exams are out; but these temporary moments of roaming through the main hallway, being mistaken for a student in staff washrooms, listening to the teachers' most interesting conversations, and most importantly, being in the classroom with the students... these have all played a role and taken up a scene or a chapter in the story of my own life.

Thank you for this memory, Bethune. Hopefully I'll return someday, but until then... all the best!

tired and confused

My few weeks back have been flying by fast and furiously. My practicum zaps the energy out of me (mainly due to early waking hours) and once again, I've filled my summer with more things than I can handle.

And now I am tired. and exhausted. and looking for a resting place. I thought I would have a chance to break this summer, but by the looks of it, it only gets worse. I'm going to Campus Challenge for the 2nd time this weekend and I'm going to be a small group leader. I feel as though I should be excited, but I'm feeling so lethargic I can't think straight.

And my practicum is making me rethink the teaching profession more and more. I really don't know what I should do with my life.

Enjoy the long holiday, my friends.

Shakespeare and 1 Samuel

Less than a month ago, I blogged about hating Shakespeare. Two out of three of the English classes I am in for my practicum are studying Shakespeare. I guess this bard is inevitably living among English classes and courses at least in my sphere of the world.

On a completely different note, I began reading through 1 Samuel to refresh my near non-existent knowledge of Biblical history. There have been certain bits of info that pop out that I are memorably enjoyable and I want to share them with you:

1 Samuel ...

1. 1:5, 8, 23 -> Elkanah loved his wife, Hannah, very, very much and allowed her to "Do what seems best to you." She was wise to take her son to "present him before the Lord, and he will live there always."
2. 1:5, 6, 19 -> The Lord opens and closes wombs. Now that I'm back in Toronto I listen to the radio again and hear lots about fertility clinics, healthy pregnancies, etc. Perhaps we forget that the Lord works beyond science and He has the power to restore fertility when we ask it of Him.
3. 2:1-10 -> There are so many beautiful songs that have come from Hannah's thanksgiving. The likes of these include, "There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God" and "It is not by strength that one prevails; those who oppose the Lord will be shattered. He will thunder against them from heaven; the Lord will judge the ends of the earth."
4. 3:7 "Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him." He was just a boy, but God was already communicating with him through direct revelation. When do we consider ourselves as ones who know the Lord?
5. 3:19 "The Lord was with Samuel as he grew up and he let none of his words fall to the ground." Is our responsibility not to let God's words fall to the ground? How can we live our lives so that God's Word does not go to waste?

Goodness, there's so much more, but I don't want these little gems to overwhelm. More later.

Missions

After a talking with my best friend about missions last night, a faint prick of nostalgia hit me as I realized this would be my first summer not going overseas for missions (or to Thailand) since the summer of 2005. I thought about all the people we had met, the friends we had made both with students and with the long-term missionaries. It's been a year but I still miss them and I still pray for them.

Asia Team

Thailand Trip #2 Team

Thailand Trip #1 Team



My two summers spent on overseas missions have really changed my life and who I am. A big part of it came from recovering from post-missions depression and regaining my pre-trip spiritual life while combining it with my missions experience. A lot of it came from tripping and stumbling during the actual mission trip and recovering, slowly but steadily, pushed back, but ready to come back stronger than before. My missions experiences have taken a long time to digest and each time I need a certain amount of time before I can understand the impact of my ministry and how God has changed my life through each trip.

What I've learned is that missions is a lifestyle. You can choose to be a missionary wherever you are. Each person is called to live a life of missions by following the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19) and this can be lived out anywhere--whether at home, at school, on campus, in the workforce, EVERYWHERE! I have been so blessed by the two past summers spent doing God's ministry abroad, because I have learned that it doesn't take an expensive flight ticket and hot, sticky conditions to be a missionary. As long as I allow God to be revealed in my words, deeds, and attitudes, I can be a missionary for Him anywhere I go.


Do I regret not going on missions this summer? Not at all. I have a lot awaiting me this summer: my practicum, Across U-hub, BASIC Fellowship, Summer CCF, RHCCC Softball (Pebbles), watercolour classes, and a whole lot of meeting up with friends. But for now, I am contentedly on mission at home with my mom and brother, who are growing more interesting as they age.



Cheers to an exciting new summer!

Internally Flawless

Taking a break from my studies, I e-stumbled across the website of the world-famous auctioneering company, Christie's . As I e-browsed through the jewellery section of their site, I was impressed by the top sale they made in 2006.

Diamonds continue to lead the international jewellery market, as seen with the exceptional prices achieved at every Christie’s auction worldwide in 2006. The top lot of the year was a D color, internally flawless diamond of 50.53 carats sold for $4,216,000 – just over $83,000 per carat (New York, April 2006).

This was quite the stone--selling for over $4 million at $83,000 per carat! I can't fathom with my limited mind, money being spent like this, but what caught my eye was its description: the diamond was internally flawless.

Most diamonds often have internal scars and markings, the better the diamond, the smaller or less noticeable the mark. As humans, we often carry such scars of past failures, humiliations, struggles, and sins. Like other diamonds, once ingrained, our marks are there forever. But there was such a man who was "internally flawless," and He is Jesus. He lived without sin only to die on a cross covered, enmeshed in all the sins of the world so that He could save us from eternal damnation.

If an internally flawless diamond can cost upwards of $4 million, how much more is Jesus worth? How can we live our lives to proclaim just how much Jesus is worth?

My Shakespeare Statement

When I become an English teacher, I am going to make Shakespeare fun. If we must teach it, we might as well make it educational. When I become a teacher, I want to give marks based on effort. After all, in the real world, effort counts, right?

No, I guess effort isn't enough. I guess it's really the quality of work that matters in the end. If so, I will teach my students to produce quality work. I will guide them through writing those horrid essays so that they have something they can feel accomplished about. I will avoid discouraging them with low marks. I want to make literature meaningful.

I took two English courses this year: one I loved, the other I hated. Why? I really enjoyed Modern British Literature because the professor encouraged us to think. I really hated Shakespeare because the professor forced us to think until we mentally choked. That is the difference. I want to encourage my students to think by providing them with eye-opening pieces of literature; with new and different insights into the ways of looking at things. I want literature to come alive in my class.

Someday... I will stand in front of a classroom, and say, "Welcome to English class. It is going to be the most important class you will ever take in your life. And you will enjoy it."

Stained Glass Windows

After two days since the Virginia Tech massacre, my best friend's blog spurred me on to find out more about what happened. What I found was sad, heart-breaking news. One troubled, young, S. Korean man purchased two guns and killed 32 other students and teachers. As an Asian, I wonder if culture had anything to do with it. Did he not fit in? Was he unable to bridge the gap between his Korean history, upbringing, and culture with his new American education and society? As a psychology major, I wonder if damage to his orbitofrontal cortex decreased his inhibition abilities, or if he had some mental disorder (e.g., depression) that nobody noticed? As an English minor reading his plays and analyzing them, I wonder if he had been the victim of sexual abuse. There is little mention of his family in all the news websites I visited. I want to know more about his past. What led up to this tragedy? As someone preparing to be a leader in residence next year, I wonder, what would I do if I were confronted with this situation? How would I respond? Would I respond to my own instincts--to flee and protect myself? Would my responsibilities overtake those instincts in order to protect those around me? I can't say.

As a Christian, my compassion extends for the grieving families, classmates, faculty, and all the others who have been affected. My prayers are for those who have lost dear siblings, sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, friends, fathers, this list of relationships goes on. Moreover, I mourn for the lost souls--those who had not met Christ as their personal Saviour and Redeemer. No one would have woken up that morning expecting it to be their last day. They were young. They had potential to change the world. But now their futures have been snuffed out like flames on new candlesticks.

As a Christian, what am I doing today for the lost souls still wandering the earth? What if I had the chance to bring God's salvation to somebody, but I missed it? This grim event is a reminder for Christians to shine. We can't be too caught up in our daily habits and rituals to miss out on opportunities to be God's light in this dark world.


As I was reading Letters to Marc About Jesus by Henri Nouwen today, I came across a profound anecdote of Nouwen's eucharist experience in Strasbourg. He writes, "During his sermon, the preacher pointed to that huge round window of stained glass [see below] and said, 'It is a work of art made by human beings. But unless God's sun shines through it we see nothing.'"

I love stained glass windows. Whenever I step into a cathedral and the sunshine pours in through the stained glass, I stand in awe of its beauty. What the preacher said at Strasbourg is simply so accurate. We have a choice. We can lives our lives clouded and murky by our own passions, desires, and upward mobility, or we can live pure, sanctified lives that allow the light of God to shine through. And through these divinely brightened lives, may our testimonies and words continue to reach out to those around us.

To the souls that were lost at Virginia Tech on Monday, rest in peace.

"Give careful thought to your ways"

'Then the word of the Lord came through the prophet Haggai: "Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?"
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.
This is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the Lord. "You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" declares the Lord Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house."

-Haggai 1:3-9

As I lay down to sleep last night and began my night-time prayers, I began to thank God for a well-lived day. Suddenly, alarm bells rang off in my mind... I had not lived a well-lived day. I had only expected to. I began to list off the things I had done, studying, cooking, studying, eating, studying, wrote my developmental psych exam half-heartedly, played Tower of Hanoi (www.mazeworks.com/hanoi), studied, went to sleep. What had I done to glorify God? I didn't even commit my studies to him.

When I woke up to read Haggai this morning, I recognized the type of paradigm in the Israelites that I had been struggling with. I had been so concerned with enjoying my own life and finding my own identity, that I had stopped working on the house of God, which I presume now to be his Kingdom. I need to start giving "careful thought to my ways." I don't want to live my life in futility. I want my life to count for something. I want to take part in the building of God's kingdom, and that begins by honestly thanking God each night for a day well-lived.

His instructions to His people were to "build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored." That is how we should live our lives--building His house, building His kingdom so that God can enjoy it and God will be honoured. If we don't, our lives will not yield any thing : "you expect much, but see, it turned out to be little." What are these expectations? To make money? To get good grades? To develop good relationships? To travel? Again, if we are not rooted in Christ, all our attempts to succeed will only fail.

Jesus Take The Wheel

"Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
Give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel"

Critical Breaking Point

"the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases"

I know I've been struggling lately, but I wasn't sure what I was struggling with. Last night, I went to informal fellowship since it's exam season and most of it was singing praises and worship songs. To be brutally honest, I didn't enjoy it. In fact, I wanted to get up in the middle and walk out of the room. In my heart, I could only sense myself criticizing the worship leader. I would look around the room at people singing their hearts out and feel utterly compassionless. I didn't even feel sad that I could not worship--I just didn't care. I was driveling in my own bitterness and cynicism.

Near the end, we broke off into partners to pray for one another and I had the chance to share and pray with a sister I very much respect and admire as a woman of God. At that point, I had no idea what was hindering my worship, but she prayed that God would open my eyes to see what I was struggling with. As the night came to a close, I realized that what was blocking me was a critical spirit. I had been shaken.

After finding out the what, I set out to search for the why. Why was I shaken? Why did I allow this critical spirit to enter my heart and mind? The answer I found was this: I had lost my identity as a daughter of Christ. I had released my grasp on His promise to love me unconditionally.

This loss opened my eyes to my own flaws, and the fear of criticism and judgment from others. As a result, I became critical of others as a self-defense mechanism, to protect my own self-esteem. My criticism of others further weakened my own self-image. The more I compared myself with others, the more inadequate I felt.

I need to run back to the Father whose arms are always open for me. The Father who is always there to assure me that He'll be there for me, whenever I'm sad, whenever I'm rejoicing, whenever I am troubled. I need to be reminded consistently of His promises: that I am a daughter of God and my identity in Him is all that truly matters. For when I am confident and loved, only then can I reach out of my shell to love others too.

Selfish Anger

When God saw what [the Ninevites] did and how they turned from their evil ways, he had compassion and did not bring upon them the destruction he had threatened. But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. He prayed to the Lord, "O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.

Jonah 3:10 - 4:4

On first reading, Jonah's response made me laugh. His theology told him that God would save the sinful, godless Ninevites and he tried to run. But he ran onto a ship that encountered tempestuous winds and storms and was finally thrown overboard expecting death, only to be swallowed by a great fish. After this series of miraculous events, Jonah's anger invokes God's question, "Have you any right to be angry?"

I wonder why Jonah is angry. One reading of the book of Jonah is as a fictional allegory, a story that represents something with deeper meaning. Perhaps Jonah represents the people of God as selfish beings, jealous that God is gracious and compassionate to ALL peoples. I also believe that God can allow a man to be kept alive in the belly of a great fish for three days and three nights. Jonah's example and reaction is very human, but strangely so. Is it possible to have experienced so much and still have enough emotion to be angry at God? Is it possible that Christians have experienced the grace of God and withheld it due to selfishness?

Whatever Jonah's story represents, one thing is clear: If you try to run from God's will, you won't be successful, which reminds me of a cynical quote Fran, Sammi, and I saw the other day. It read, "If you want to make God laugh, just tell Him your plans."

Breaking of the Pride

"The pride of your heart has deceived you,
you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights,
you who say to yourself,
'Who can bring me down to the ground?'
Though you soar like the eagle and make your nest among the stars,
from there I will bring you down,"
declares the Lord.

Obadiah 3-4

Who am I to ever be proud? Who am I to ever say, "Look what I've done!"? I cannot, for it is the Lord who has been working in and through my life. Praise God for His mercy. Praise God for His salvation. He has made the brokenhearted whole and the proud-hearted broken.

To those who live in the clefts of the rocks and have their home on the heights, God loves you. To those who soar like the eagle and make your nest among the stars, God can bring you down for He is just, but His salvation extends also to you.

-Joyce

Motives

My mom has been encouraging me to read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller for the past while. Since I returned home for the weekend and finally had a chance to get my hands on the book, I began reading and came across a poem that succinctly describes some feelings I've had for awhile.

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love--a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

-C.S. Lewis, as quoted in Blue Like Jazz

I believe God has slowly been changing my heart to look out from self-less eyes, but I must always check my motives. Who am I bringing glory to, myself or God? This poem, its message is quite severe. This is not where I want to be, but brokenness begins with acknowledging the sinful, depraved, selfish nature within myself and asking God to free me.

Happy Easter! He is risen indeed!